I’m not sure if this is a smart thing. I am going to post while sleep deprived. It is a holiday week and as the snow falls, I’m actually caught up on everything two days before Thanksgiving.
Today, at work, while I was still feeling the stress of just trying to get things done and having nothing but hurdles thrown at you, I thought about the last 7 years. I used to run sleep deprived like this all the time. Highly strung out on stress, being stupid because of it. Today was a good reminder of that. I kept forgetting this and dropping that and I kept gravitating toward tedious monotonous tasks just so I wouldn’t have to think.
But I did start to think. I’ve made huge strides in improving my life, my outlook and my attitude and I am so much better off for it, but I began to wonder am I really happier? I know if I need a picture I start heading towards the ones from 7 years ago. I think these are the ones that look like me. Thinner. More active. All involved with the kids. I certainly look happier in those pictures. So how come I don’t go after any happy current pictures. Aren’t I happier than I was 7 years ago?
Truth is, I am more content that I was 7 years ago. Being broke for so long has taken its toll, it is so restrictive. Back then I may have been able to get happier or have happier moments, but I would have equally low moments, full of stress, more sleep deprivation than this, more fear of … fear and judginess and wondering when I would “arrive” so I could quit trying to prove myself. I kept waiting for the day where I could quit striving and start living. Actually that day never came. I pretty much said screw it all and then was able to start living. And all that came after getting caught up on some rest, cooking and eating regularly, and trying to eliminate everything I didn’t want to do.
So would I trade places with myself from 7 years ago? No. I wouldn’t. But, I will still grab a 7 year old picture to represent myself. Ha Ha.